obriencj

is a pile of bits

Winter Sadness
fighting off the grey and the cold

I enjoy the sun on my face. In warm weather I step outside to greet the day, shirtless with my arms stretched far over my head and my face turned to the sun. I dwell on the bright light that comes through my shut eyes, and I breathe and let myself be warmed. When I relax and stretch to touch my toes, I open my eyes and the world is transformed and blue, and I’m happy.

I am lucky to live in North Carolina. The winters come to visit still, but they do not stay as long as they do in my home town in upstate New York. The sky is almost always white or grey up there.

This winter has been harder than any I recall in the past.

I met a girl, and fell for her, and have not fully recovered from her dismissal.

I cannot ride my motorcycle. And lacking a garage I have trouble even being able to work on the new bike.

I’ve long since lost interest in World of Warcraft, there’s no joy in it.

I fight the feeling because I know I have no reason to be distressed. I am housed, warm, fed. I have a daughter and gainful employment. The faults I find with my life are matters of comfort, not of safety. Yet I find myself inescapably drowning in a fugue. And I realize that it’s nothing more than a response to the damned weather.

I’ve been trying to exercise, but I don’t always have the energy.

I am starving all of the time, seeking some sort of richness. I haven’t touched tobacco in well over a year, and yet I find myself longing for a cigarette… dwelling on the thick, rich smell I remember. I seek out food with too much spice and with loud flavors, just because I need something to kick my brain and remind me to keep thinking. I have so many projects that I should be able to focus on, but nothing seems worth doing.

And to top it all off, I still find myself thinking about a girl I only went out with twice.

This winter can go fuck itself.